the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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