Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
