on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
