I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
