Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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