i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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