Your tits are I can't wait for
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
