i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
