im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize