I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
