Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
