the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
