I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
