just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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