Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(916): View more from California

You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(650): View more from California

ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person

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(678): View more from Georgia

If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.

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(786): View more from Florida

Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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(716): View more from New York

Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.

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(913): View more from Kansas

As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator

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