if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
