if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
