Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My life is pants optional.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
