she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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