So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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