I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
