If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
