Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
