Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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