Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
