Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
