My boss' voice literally gives me gas
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize