Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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