you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
