Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
