HIV tests are more positive than that guy
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
