fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
