I'm lost and stupid without you.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize