Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
