and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
