in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
