I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
