So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize