sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
