Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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