My nipple is on Facebook.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
