how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
