yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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