'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
