She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
