I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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