glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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