I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
