just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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