yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
