If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
