I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
only you would photoshop your dick
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
