ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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