This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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