I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
